lunes, 15 de febrero de 2016

•Anna's Pain.•



She opened her book as every night, took a T-shirt out of the ziplock bag, took a deep breath and start reading, those were the things that made her feel next to her loved one, one tear ran through her cheek, and she didn't knew if it was the book or her depression that was making her cry, Anna was walking a tightrope, struggling with her past and encouraging herself to be strong and let things go... In every breath she took she could feel the smell of her one, Leena, they were like a perfect match; who would have thought they were going to break up? But to be honest the only two that actually thought they could make it, were them; other than that not even their friends, or families thought they would end together, it was like a recipe for a disaster, two young girls without the money or the possibilities to have a LDR.

Everyone was right but they were always daydreaming about each other, but it was just that, Dreams...
 
Anna closed her eyes and her book, held that t-shirt tight and took the last breath of her soulmate aroma, she open her eyes and fold the t-shirt back to the ziplock; she didn't want to loose the only thing that proof Leena existed and loved her.

With all her face wet Anna went to bed, and cried all night wondering when the pain would stop, wanting to wake up in another world or maybe don't wake up never again.

She knew she made mistakes and that was the most painful part of the whole process, that she understood Leena when she said she didn't want to be with her anytime soon.

For any other person "anytime soon" would mean hope, But for Anna who spent months talking to Leena every day, she knew that it was more a way to avoid telling her a closed "NO" because Leena didn't want to hurt her and she knew that if she took the little hope Anna had she would take her life with in.

She fall asleep with her makeup on, she was not a person that use to have dreams, she was more one of those lucid dreamers, so those days she was having a bunch of uncontrollable nightmares that kept her waking up every 2 or 3 hours during the night, when it was finally time wake up she was even more tired than before, she looked at her reflection in the mirror and she thought she was like a walking corpse, her face was a mess of makeup, her eyes were swollen from crying all night and her mood wasn't the best.

She put some gym clothes on and went to the gym, start walking in the treadmill, she put some music in her headphones but all she played was songs that either she wanted to share with Leena or give her a little of hope to fight for her, but at least gym made her feel a tiny bit better, like life was worth to live it.

Getting to work was not better, in between daily paperwork she open her email just to see if Leena wrote her something but nothing was coming from her, ended up watching newsletters that she and Leena used to watch together, trying to avoid the tears that she felt were coming out she pretended she was watching an emotional video on the web, dry her face and kept trying to be "normal".

She had so many "friends" that realized her depression and were trying to keep her up and was on the lookout for her, but she knew they were not her friends, they didn't know how she felt, they didn't know anything or how Anna thought about drinking a whole container full of painkillers, the only one who would understand her feelings were Leena but she was not part of Anna's life no more.

Anna's life was a roller coaster those days, a constant fight between getting better and worst, a constant reminder of Leena; because she made her life revolve around her...
 
She went to class after work but she had no concentration at all; "At some point the pain has to disappear" she repeated to her self, trying to avoid the tears during the class.

When she finally got home, she decided to watch a movie, a love one obviously because humans love to torture their selves, and ended up crying over Leena's shirt and fall asleep with the same nightmares again.

Her days would get better, because Anna is strong, she've been broken before, but even when she never lost a soulmate before, she knew that there was a rainbow at the very end of the storm.

Anna would keep looking for the happiness because the world keeps spinning and there's no options, just still alive.